Kamikaze

I've been found out. But I didn't even know I needed to be. This week in counseling, it occurred to me that I've been stuck for about 2 months in a pattern and period of avoidance and escape. But I didn't even realize that I've been doing it. My former blog called, "Prefacing My Future Condition" explained that I was on my way back down into the mire of all the pain and unhealthiness within me, because there's still significant stuff there that needs to change absolutely..stuff I need to work through.. The Lord is leading me there.

Too bad I haven't been following. The little things that I've been doing to occupy my time, my heart, my eyes, my mind have all been little ways to numb myself. And in truth, over the past month and change, I've felt very numb. I feel I must apologize here because of my lack of emotional or relational availability. If I've been callous or insensitive, please forgive me.

I'm very scared of the pain I'll encounter...pain I'll have to go through, not numb. I'm scared because I don't know what's in the dark chasm I'm about to jump into. But I will run no longer.

So here's a song (I'm not done with you yet, Five Iron Frenzy) that came immediately to mind and heart on Thursday, right after therapy. Thanks, Lord.

"Kamikaze"

I'm going in (1 2 3 and go)
Like a kamikaze (Like Geronimo)
A leap of faith (And I finally feel alive)
3 2 1 I'm going in

I don't know if it's just me
But it seems that things aren't changing
Every day is pretty much the same
With a little rearranging
If I do nothing I can't fail
No blistered hands, no broken nails
Killing time, I'm paralyzed
With bitter dreams and hollow eyes
I've been waiting for a revelation
For a moment of clarity
Conflicts and convolutions
Ricochet inside of me

There comes a time for throwing caution to the wind
I feel the pulse again

I'm going in (1 2 3 and go)
Like a kamikaze (Like Geronimo)
A leap of faith (And I finally feel alive)
3 2 1 I'm going in (1 2 3 say when)
Like a flaming arrow (Soaring in the wind)
A leap of faith (And I finally feel alive)
3 2 1 I'm going in

I am so slow to commit
I have wasted years on fences
Is it really true the shoes don't fit
Is it only my defenses?
What if I don't measure up
Don't listen well, don't smile enough?
Alone and unknown up to now
Need to change direction somehow
I've been open to persuasion
Wanting someone to take the lead
It's a little disconcerting
Signing up for eternity

There comes a time for throwing caution to the wind
And so my life begins

I'm going in (1 2 3 and go)
Like a kamikaze (Like Geronimo)
A leap of faith (And I finally feel alive)
3 2 1 I'm going in (1 2 3 say when)
Like a flaming arrow (Soaring in the wind)
A leap of faith (And I finally feel alive)
3 2 1 I'm going in

More to follow soon, comrades. Thanks for your indulgence...your patience, friendship, and love. Thanks be to God for supplying all I need and knowing better than I what that really is.

Lord have mercy on us and save us.

Peace,

Rhett